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The New Priest

A new priest at his first Mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.  The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

 

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.  Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following list on the door: 

 

• Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
• There are 10 commandments, not 12.
• There are 12 disciples, not 10.
• Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
• Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
• We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
• The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
• David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him.
• When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
• We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”.
• When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for this is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
• The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
• The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grub. Yea, God.”
• Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

GEICO Commercial

Maybe I'm just delirious from packing, but this struck me as funny:

Revenge

Today's lesson:  Never irritate a woman who can operate a backhoe. 

Idiots

HoosierBoy had a quote in his comment section that I thought was hilarious.  Thanks for brightening my day:

When you try to argue with idiots, they just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Fart Facts

Another Irish Joke

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.  "So, " says the cop the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens." sighs the drunk.  "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Have a great St. Patrick's Day!  Here's Johnny Mathis singing Danny Boy:

Slick

A new phrase I picked up during the Oklahoma snowstorm:

Slicker than cum on a gold tooth.

Now that's slick.

Catholic Dictionary

Catholic Dictionary - For Catholics Only

 

This information is for Catholics only.  It must not be divulged to non-Catholics.  The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AMEN - The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. 

BULLETIN - Your receipt for attending Mass.

 

CHOIR - A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

 

HOLY WATER - A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

 

HYMN - A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

 

RECESSIONAL HYMN - The last song at mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

 

INCENSE - Holy Smoke!

 

JESUITS - An order of priest known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

 

JONAH - The original ‘Jaws’ story.

 

JUSTICE - When kids have kids of their own.

 

KYRIE ELEISON - The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.  (For you non-Catholics it means “Lord have mercy”.)

 

MAGI - The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

 

MANGER - Where Mary placed Jesus because Joseph forgot the crib when packing the donkey.

 

PEW - A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

 

PROCESSION - The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

 

RECESSIONAL - The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

 

RELICS - People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

 

STABLE - Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.  (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

 

TEN COMMANDMENTS - The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

 

USHERS - The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

Goat Tears

Letter from Maggie

I was sorting through a bunch of Mom and Dad's papers and found this letter, obviously a joke.  Dad must have liked it.  It's a letter from Maggie in Ireland to her cousin Patty in America.

                                                                                 Ireland, 1921

Dear Patty,

Your welcome letter received and me and your aunt Bridget thank you kindly for the money you sent.  We had seven masses said for your grandfather and grandmother, God rest their souls.  You have gone high places in America.  God bless you.  I hope you'll not be puttin on airs and forgettin your native land. 

Your cousin Hughie O'Toole was hung in Londonerry last week for killing a policeman.  May God rest his soul, and may God's curse be on John Giblin, the informer and may he burn in hell.  God forgive me.  Times are not as bad as they might be.  The herring is back and nearly everybody has a heart in making ends meet and the price of fish is good, thanks be to God. 

We had a grand time at Pat Muldoon's wake.  Hew as an old blatherskite and it looked good to see him stretched out with his big mouth shut.  He is better off dead he'll burn till the damned place freezes over.  He had too many friends among the Orangemen.  God's curse be on the lot of them.  God bless your heart, I almost forgot to tell you about your Uncle Denny, he took a pot shot at a turncoat from in back of a hedge but had a little too much to drink an him and he missed.  God's curse be on the dirty drink.  I hope this letter finds you in good health and may God keep remind you to keep sending the money.  The Conways are 100 percent strong around here since they stopped going to America.  They have kids running all over the country.  Father O'Flaherty who baptized you is now feebleminded and sends his blessing.

Your cousin, Bridget O'Brien has been going around with an Englishman and now is pregnant.  We all hope she doesn't marry the Limey, because we'd rather have a bastard in the family than an Englishman.

May God take care of the lot of you and keep you from sudden death.  Things look bright around here again.  A police barracks and a Protestant church burned to the ground in County Cork.  Praise be to God.

                                                                                Your devoted cousin

                                                                                 Maggie

P.S. Keep sending the money.