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The New Priest

A new priest at his first Mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.  The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

 

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.  Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following list on the door: 

 

• Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
• There are 10 commandments, not 12.
• There are 12 disciples, not 10.
• Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
• Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
• We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
• The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
• David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him.
• When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
• We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”.
• When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for this is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
• The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
• The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grub. Yea, God.”
• Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Bathtub Madonna

My Aunt Mary has a small grotto just off the side of her driveway.  It's a shrine consisting or a statue of the Virgin Mary, an old porcelain bathtub, and a bunch of large rocks.  Around these parts, they are known as a Bathtub Madonna (or Mary).  I have even heard them called Mary on the Half Shell.

Someday maybe I'll get a picture of Aunt Mary and Bathtub Mary together.

Station #2

Mom grew up attending the original St. Malachy Catholic Church in Brownsburg, IN, built in 1903.  In the early 1970s, Mom's sister Jenny donated some land to the church.  She lived right in front of the Catholic school.  Jenny moved into a small apartment and her home was demolished.  Construction began on the new church which was about a block away from the original one.  All of the artifacts and statues from the original church were sold off.  Mom bought some funeral candle holders, a last rites tabernacle (probably not the right terminology), and a station of the cross.

For those of you non-Catholics, the Stations of the Cross depict the crucifixion of Jesus.  In a traditional church, like St. Malachy's, there were seven stations on each side of the church.  On Friday evenings during Lent, there is a ceremony simply titled Stations of the Cross.  During the ceremony, the priest and two altar boys stand at each station and perform a series of prayers with the congregation.  The whole ceremony takes about 45 minutes.  But to a young boy forced to go with his parents, it seemed like it lasted 14 days. 

So you can imagine my surprise when I came home from school and found a Station of the Cross mounted on the wall, in the basement.  It sure freaked out my friends when they would visit.  They would say, "What the heck is that big thing?  Is your family super religious?"  Mom also had a church pew that she bought at an auction when a country church was torn down.  My thoughts were, "If Mom starts having daily Mass at home, I'm gonna have to move out". 

Fast forward 35 years.  We asked our priest at St. Joseph Church if he would be interested in a plaster Station of the Cross from the original St. Malachy Church.  He said, "Absolutely.  Which one do you have?"  Wow...I really wasn't prepared for a pop quiz.  I said, "Um, it's one of the top 14".  As you can see from the photo above, it is Station #2.  Here' s a list of the Stations: 

1. Jesus is condemned to death
2. Jesus is given his cross
3. Jesus falls the first time
4. Jesus meets His Mother
5. Simon of Cyrene carries the cross
6. Veronica wipes the face of Jesus
7. Jesus falls the second time
8. Jesus meets the daughters of Jerusalem
9. Jesus falls the third time
10. Jesus is stripped of His garments
11. Crucifixion: Jesus is nailed to the cross
12. Jesus dies on the cross
13. Jesus' body is removed from the cross
14. Jesus is laid in the tomb and covered in incense.

The Station is made of plaster and probably weighs 75 pounds.  I had my brother hold onto it while I loosened the bolts that were holding it on the wall.  Then the two of us lifted the Station off of the wooden stand.  But I grabbed the little guy's arm that was holding the cross, and his arm broke.  Chunks of plaster hit the floor.  The arm is still attached, but barely.  I gathered up the mounting brackets and the plaster chunks and put them in a plastic baggy.  Upon closer inspection, the cross on the top had been re-glued at one time. 

My sister and I loaded it into her van and headed to the Parish Office with it.  They were thrilled to get it and we were thrilled to get another large item out of Mom and Dad's house.

Holy Week 2010

In honor of Holy Week, I thought I'd recycle my Holy Week post from two years ago.  Link

Catholic Dictionary

Catholic Dictionary - For Catholics Only

 

This information is for Catholics only.  It must not be divulged to non-Catholics.  The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AMEN - The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. 

BULLETIN - Your receipt for attending Mass.

 

CHOIR - A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

 

HOLY WATER - A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

 

HYMN - A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

 

RECESSIONAL HYMN - The last song at mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

 

INCENSE - Holy Smoke!

 

JESUITS - An order of priest known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

 

JONAH - The original ‘Jaws’ story.

 

JUSTICE - When kids have kids of their own.

 

KYRIE ELEISON - The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.  (For you non-Catholics it means “Lord have mercy”.)

 

MAGI - The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

 

MANGER - Where Mary placed Jesus because Joseph forgot the crib when packing the donkey.

 

PEW - A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

 

PROCESSION - The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

 

RECESSIONAL - The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

 

RELICS - People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

 

STABLE - Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.  (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

 

TEN COMMANDMENTS - The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

 

USHERS - The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

Holy Week Redux

I took Dad to Palm Sunday Mass this morning.  Dad slept through most of it.  Too much NCAA basketball yesterday, I guess.

Last year, I had a post about Holy Week, and I thought I would repeat it again this year:  Link.

Holy Week

This is Holy Week.  The last week of Lent.  The whole Lent / Easter season is very early this year.  Easter is supposed to be on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox.  Or something like that.  The earliest Easter could ever be is on March 22, so March 23 is pretty darn early.  You'll probably need a jacket if you're heading out on Easter this year.

I find the Lenten Season to be an odd jumble of rituals in the Catholic Church.  Let's review:

Mardi Gras:  The final day before Lent.  Drink, party, and eat up all the goodies in the house, because you're not going to see them again until Easter.   

Ash Wednesday:  The first day of Lent.  Go to church and get the sign of the Cross on your forehead with ashes made from burned palm leaves from last year's Lenten season.  Then walk around town with ashes on your head and have people think you are some sort of hobo. 

Lent:  The forty days of fasting.  This corresponds with Jesus's forty days fasting in the desert.  Usually one gives up sweets, or beer, or even sex.  But the math doesn't really work out.  It is forty days from Ash Wednesday to Palm Sunday, and another seven until Easter.  If we gave up something in my house, it was until Easter.  So actually Lent is forty-seven days.  No meat is to be eaten on Ash Wednesday or any Friday for the next seven weeks.  Our house rules:  No snacks between meals!

Holy Water:  The altar is very stark during Lent.  Sometimes the Holy Water is removed from the stoups at the church entrance and replaced with stones to represent Jesus's time in the desert.  The first year our church did this, I wasn't expecting it and jammed my finger on a rock.  I told Dad, "Jesus may have turned water into wine, but someone turned our Holy Water into rocks".  He thought that was funny and told the priest my analogy after Mass. 

Fridays:  Confessions are usually offered on Fridays before the Stations of the Cross.  Confession is one of the seven Sacraments of the Catholic faith.  Stations of the Cross: depicts the Passion of the Christ.  There is a series of special prayers at each of the fourteen stations of the cross.  Lots of incense.  The Knights of Columbus has a fish fries on Fridays during Lent.  Lots of Protestants come out for these fish fries too. 

St. Patrick's Day:  Always in the middle of Lent.  Quite the quandry for the true Irish Catholic who decided to give up alcohol for Lent.  I know some folks who have a one day excuse from their alcohol fast and then extend Lent into the day after Easter.  Who scheduled this holiday?

Girl Scout Cookies:  Definitely a Protestant bunch.  Their cookies are always delivered right during Lent.  Ours always went straight to the freezer...until after Lent.

--- HOLY WEEK ---

Holy Week consists of the following special days:  Palm Sunday, Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Super Saturday **, and Easter Sunday.

Palm Sunday (Sunday before Easter):  Proceed into church from the Parish Hall.  Represents Jesus return to Jerusalem with the crowds throwing palm leaves onto his path.  Palm leaves are distributed to each church member.  There's always somebody who has young boys who use theirs to start a sword fight after Mass.

Holy Thursday:  Signifies Jesus's Last Supper with his 12 Apostles.  Lately the Catholic Church has started actually washing the feet of parishioners, for those who want to participate.  I get skeezed out enough during the Handshake of Peace and drinking the communal wine.  I sure as hell ain't gonna dip my toes in someone else's stinky feet water!

Good Friday:  The Passion of Christ.  The entire Passion is acted out in four parts:  The Narrator, Jesus, other parts, and the Crowd.  The congregation reads the part of the crowd.  I can only imagine what an outsider thinks when they hear a chruch full of people saying (in a very monotone voice) "Crucify him.  Crucify him."  Good Friday is not a Holy Day of Obligation, but it was a Day of Obligation in our house.  One of my sisters explained to Dad that it was not a Holy Day pointing to the Church Calendar.  Dad replied, "I don't give a God Damn what that calendar says.  You're going!"  That's the Holy Week spirit!

Holy Saturday or the Easter Vigil:  I haven't been in years.  Lots of candles and quiet reflection.

Easter Sunday:  Lots of Easter lillies, Easter bonnets (up until the mid 1960s), and rejoicing.  There's a whole series of Easter songs that you only hear at Easter and shortly afterwards.  "Jesus Christ is risen today!  Ahhhhhhh le eh luuuuu ya!"  All four Masses are all packed, filled with what one of our priests called the "Chreasters".  Those people that only go to church at Chirstmas and Easter.  Then we go home after Mass and see what the Easter Bunny left us.  Get your photo taken while all the kids are gussied up.  Change the kids clothes before they get chocolate all over them.  We're having a quiet Easter at home this year. 

March Madness:  For the first time that I can recall, the first rounds of March Madness occur during Holy Week.  So if basketball is your religion, it's definitely a busy week.  Butler plays South Alabama during Good Friday Mass this year.  I may have to sneak in a radio with an earplug.  I can hear it now: "Crucify him!  Crucify him!"  Butler scores.  Jerry: "YES!"  Congregation turns around and stares at Jerry.

** I could be wrong about Super Saturday.  That may be the big sale at J.C. Penney's this weekend.