Back Home Again

Hell

My buddy Carl and I went out to pick up some fried chicken for dinner when he remembered that we didn't have any lemonade at the house for the kids.  So he stopped next door at the Walmart Supercenter and sent me in with $5 to get a 12-pack of Country Time Lemonade.  Sounds easy, right?

I strolled down to the soda aisle looking for the bright yellow cans.  I couldn't find any.  I went back through at a slower pace and looked at the empty slots too.  There was no Country Time Lemonade.  I went to the juice aisle and found the Country Time powdered lemonade mix, but no cans.  I called up Carl and told him there was no Country Time, but there was Minute Maid.  He said that was fine.

I went back to the soda aisle and got the last 12-pack of Minute Maid.  The box was torn on one end, but the cans appeared to be fine.  It was $4.98 for a 12-pack; not on sale. 

I headed up to the checkout lane and was next in line at the 10 items or less line.  The lady in front of me had all of her items in the cart but was digging through her purse for change.  It was taking her a long time for some reason.  There was some discussion going back and forth between her and the cashier.  I began looking at the tabloids to see what the Kardashian girls were up to (whoever they are).  The next thing I know the lady is unloading her cart and the cashier is re-doing her transaction.  The checkout lane next to me now has 5 people in it.  I got out of line and looked at the self-scan lines.  All were 5 people deep and not a one had less than 10 items.  

Then it dawned on me.  It's going to take a minimum of 10 minutes to buy a damaged box of lemonade, not the brand I want, and not on sale, while my food is getting cold out in the car.  I put the 12-pack on top of the Coca-Cola case and walked towards the exit door.  The Walmart employee monitoring the self-scan lanes just gave me a shrug as if to say "Sorry".  I got in the car and threw the $5 towards Carl and said, "Don't ask".

I imagine Hell has a Walmart Supercenter.

Cat Vomit

Why is it that one of my cats chooses to vomit on my sidewalk?  I have 2 1/2 acres of land...why the sidewalk?

Was the Purina Cat Chow too rich?  Or was it just mad that I was gone to Houston for a week?  

This must be the equivalent of an indoor cat pooping on the bedspread.

Damn cats.

Being Green

Have you noticed all the advertisements lately making sure you know that the product you are buying is "green"?  It's getting ridiculous.  We've gone from glass bottles to plastic to refillable plastic and back to glass.  I think the whole environmentally friendly "green" mumbo-jumbo is the biggest marketing scam so far this century.  These products haven't changed anything but packaging, if that.  They just want to play on your guilt and not lose out on your buying potential.

Now, I can ignore most of the grocery store marketing, and I don't get the newspaper so I don't see many ads.  But this came across my work e-mail today.  It's an ad for a webinar sponsored by some San Francisco company (click to enlarge):

Now I have to read this crap in my Inbox?  Make it stop.

Pretty soon incandescent light bulbs will be a thing of the past.  They're not green enough.  Instead we will have to buy those squiggly light bulbs filled with mercury.  Just hope you never break one with a loose football in the house.  Call the hazmat team. 

I'm doing my part.  I'm not adding to the landfill...I burn my trash.  I drive a green car...emerald green at that.

Green is making me....

RED!!

Happy New Year

Well, the year is coming to a close.  I wish that I had one of those nice posts to reflect on all the good and bad of the past year.  It is not meant to be.  I didn't even get any Christmas cards sent, which is not like me at all.  I could really use some quiet reflection time...or maybe just a nap.

Here's what's cooking on the burner right now:

• My employer is selling two of our asphalt refineries effective Jan. 1.  Or maybe Jan. 8.  Or maybe not at all.  Can't get a definite answer because it seems everyone took the day off.  Why didn't I?
• We way overpaid two employees on the last paycheck, and it took two days to straighten out their payrolls.  We still some fallout on the 401(k) side which needs to be addressed today.  Once again, everyone took the day off.
• I itemized Mom & Dad's three checking accounts for Dad's accountant....to the penny.  Mom had a whopping $6.17 in interest and $21 in bank fees for imaging her checks.  She wrote 8 checks in 2007.  I visited their bank today and told them to stop imaging her checks.  I hate that bank.
• I did enroll Mom and Dad in a new Medicare Part D plan.  I will have to await the arrival of the Welcome Packets before I can send off their prescriptions to the new mail order company.  I also need to get all new prescriptions written before I leave town again next week.  Had to get one prescription filled at Kroger today, since Mom was totally out of those pills.
• Mom and Dad both have colds today.  I blame it on the Handshake of Peace at Mass yesterday for spreading the germs.  "Peace (and a piece of phlegm) Be With You".
• Went to the gym today at noon to get a jump on my new exercise regimen.  I haven't been to the gym for about four months.  The door was locked.  The gym closed at noon today.
• I picked up the three Pirates of the Caribbean movies and intend on settling in for a quiet movie marathon all by myself tonight.
• On the plus side, it's a beautiful day today.  Sunny and 43 degrees.  Tomorrow is supposed to be snowy, windy, and a high of 25 degrees.

I wish you all a Happy New Year.  Be safe.  Don't drink and drive.

See you next year!

Eating Crow

Dear Mr. Crow,

Listen up, ya rooster wannabe.  If you ever wake me up in the morning after having the windows open all night, I'm gonna grab you by the feet, and bite your head right off.  Ever hear of Ozzy Osbourne and the dove incident?  Kinda like that.

Mmmmmm.  Tastes like chicken.  Do I make myself clear?

CAW.  CAW.  CAW, yourself!

Refreshments

So I'm in the hometown driving around with Dad.  We decided to get some refreshments at the Milky Way (kind of a poor man's Dairy Queen).  I pulled up to the drive-thru and ordered a medium Coke for Dad and a large Diet Coke with a shot of cherry for me.  The woman handed me two drinks, I paid, and off we went. 

I noticed that Dad's drink had a red color inside the lid, but he said it tasted like Coke.  I took a sip of mine.  Aacccckkkk.  Bloody hell.  What the hell was that?  I look over at Dad and he's squinting and holding his temples.  He said, "Damn, that must be cold".  I pulled off the lid of his drink.  It was a cherry slushee.  I pulled off the lid of my drink.  It was a Diet Coke alright...with a shot of chocolate.  I took a drink of the cherry slushee to wash down the awful Diet Coke / Chocolate combo.  Ice cream headache.  Arrrgghhh.  A sip of my drink to offset the ice cream headache.  Aaccckkkkk.  A sip of cherry shushee.  So it went all the way home.

Who would ever order a Coke with chocolate in it?  Bleeeccchhhh.

What Joe Pesci said is true:  They fuck you at the drive-thru.

Pardon me while I go shave my tongue.

Vegas in 24 Hours

The night before the trip I really didn't get much rest.  I was hoping to catch up on sleep on the Southwest Airlines flights.  First I had a connection in Kansas City.  We were quickly boarded onto the flight to Vegas.  I was in the A group so I grabbed a prime window seat near the back of the plane and popped in my earplugs.  Nighty Night.  Then I heard some announcement from the cockpit.  There is a maintenance problem.  We will have to board another airplane.  Everyone, back into the terminal.  I'm not one to consider myself cursed, but this was my third flight in three months that had a maintenance problem in Kansas City.  So then 40 minutes later we boarded another plane.  I got stuck in a middle seat.  I called my buddy who was heading to Vegas from Tulsa and left a message that we would be late. 

I got to Vegas 2 1/2 hours later, almost on time.  I had a voice mail from my buddy.  He already took a cab to Treasure Island and was going to grab a bite to eat.  The Las Vegas airport was an absolute zoo.  I waited in a long gated line for a taxi.  The driver asked me if I wanted the fast route or the scenic route.  I opted for the fast route via interstate.  A few minutes later we were at Treasure Island.  Fare $22.  I found my buddy who said we were too early to check in yet.  He asked how much my taxi fare was.  His was $14 taking the "scenic" route.  Taxi drivers can charge more for interstate travel.  He seemed so nice too.  Screw you, Mohammed al Jazeera!.

In a little while we finally got checked in and went up to the room.  We were on the 26th floor overlooking the bay out front of Treasure Island.  Cool.  I took a catnap.  Then we went down to the casino for a few minutes.  I put $20 in the nickel slots and got down to $11 and cashed out.  I'm done.  I hate to gamble.

My buddy headed off to his trade show at the Mirage.  He had a full day planned so I was off on my own for the remainder of the day.  I grabbed a quick bite to eat and then walked south down the strip hitting most of the casinos on the way.  I went through Caesar's Palace, Bellagio, New York New York, the Luxor, and Mandalay Bay.  About this time a co-worker called me on my cell phone.  She was manning the company suite for a few hours before they went to dinner.  This co-worker and I live about five miles apart here in Indiana, but haven't met yet.  By sheer coincidence we were in Vegas at the same time.  I raced through MGM Grand to get to the monorail.  About this time my legs were getting wobbly and my feet were starting to ache.  I made it back to Treasure Island and took a quick shower and then walked over to the Mirage to meet the co-worker at the company suite.  We had a nice chat and I talked to some other co-workers from the Tulsa and Houston offices.  They headed off to dinner.  I headed back to Treasure Island.  I ate a nasty Oriental salad down in the restaurant at the casino.

I went back up to the room to take another quick nap.  Then I heard a loud boom and the windows lit up.  The Pirate Show was going on outside.  It was impossible to sleep.  I was trying to decide what to do for the night.  The crowds were bad during the day.  They would be even worse tonight...and drunk.  My legs were killing me from the casino death march earlier.  I decided that I would stay in and catch up on rest.  The only problem was the Pirate Show which had two more shows for the evening.  Fireworks were exploding outside my window.  I decided to do some work on my computer.  My buddy called and said he wouldn't be back until after midnight entertaining folks from the trade show. 

I was going to plan out my remaining two days in Vegas.  I would still like to see the Venetian, Paris, and Wynn casinos.  Maybe I'll take a tour of Hoover Dam.  I haven't seen that since 1973.  But try as I might, I just could not get excited about being in Vegas.  I had a nasty headache which I attributed to the dry conditions.  I kept drinking water and applying lip balm.  Then my sinuses started to stuff up.  I blew my nose hard and got a bloody nose.  I tossed and turned most of the night.  I'd get up to pee, drink water, and apply lip balm.  Repeat every 45 minutes or so.  I had lots of time to think during the night and I came to one conclusion:  Vegas is a lot like the State Fair, only with nicer buildings.  The people are about the same.  Instead of carnies, you have casino workers trying to entice you into their casino.  I had hit the wall...I was Vegas'd out!  Screw Vegas.  I'm going home.  I got up at 5am, changed my flight on the computer and booked a 10:20am flight.  I showered and packed.  Then I went down to the restaurant for some breakfast.  I woke my buddy and told him I was going home and caught the shuttle to the airport. 

As I was waiting in the long security line, it dawned on me that I had only been in Las Vegas for 24 hours.  I couldn't wait to get out of there.  I had been out there 10 years ago for a friend's wedding and had a good time.  I was trying to pin down exactly what was different this time:

• There's been lots of new casinos built and it was MUCH more crowded.  You couldn't stir them with a stick. 
• The airport was larger and more crowded.
• I was in a group of nine the last time I was in Vegas.
• The rudeness of all the workers that I encountered.  Everyone seemed to have their hand out for a tip.  Here's a tip: smile. 
• Everywhere I went there were strollers and wheelchairs creating gridlock.  What in the world are mothers with young children thinking when they go to Vegas?  "Mommy, why does that lady on the billboard not have on any underwear?".  Good grief.
• The Asians that would stop dead in their tracks to take a picture.  I mowed down a few.
• The Mexicans handing out cards with "Girls Girls Girls" advertisements on EVERY street corner.
• It was very dirty.
• The noise.
• The blinking lights.
• I hate gambling.
• But the biggest change between then and now:  I was sober.  If I was drunk I could probably overlook many of the bullet points above.  I don't think it's possible to enjoy Las Vegas without a buzz on. 

I look at that list and wonder, where the hell was my head when I planned this trip.  I think I just wanted to get away from the farm and the snow for a few days.  I would have had more fun in Tulsa.

I took a direct flight home and headed to Ash Wednesday mass with Mom and Dad.  I was so glad to be back into my own bed.  I slept eleven hours and kept the scheduled vacation day.  I got a lot done today, but started feeling run down later in the day.  I was getting the sweats and chills.  I have been blowing gook out of my nose all day.  I still have the same headache.  I'm coming down with something.  That could have contributed to my crappy Vegas attitude too.  Still, I don't think I'll be visiting Vegas again any time soon.

Go Colts!

Many of my readers have been asking why I haven't posted about the Colts during the playoffs as most other local bloggers have.  After all I live a mere 30 miles from the RCA Dome.  My very good friends already know why.  For those of you who know me just from this blog, I haven't given much of an inclination.  I may lose a few readers, but I guess it's time to finally come clean:

I hate football (gasp).  There, I've said it.

Truth, be know, I hate just about all professional sports.  I have never been to a professional baseball, basketball, or football game.  I just can't get past paying good money to line the pockets of millionaires.  Plus, the unsportsmanlike conduct present in professional sports is downright embarrassing.  Read anything good about the Pacers lately?  I do enjoy high school and college basketball.  I'm usually glued to the television during the NCAA March Madness.

I used to be indifferent to football.  My first exposure to football was during high school in Indiana.  Football season was that boring stretch before basketball season started.  Then I went to college at Indiana State University, not a football school.  I was usually pretty tanked by the end of each home football game, if I went at all.  I then worked at my uncle's truck line located on West Street in Indianapolis.  The Hoosier Dome was being built with taxpayer money.  It was very controversial since there was no team to play in the Dome.  I remember looking out my office window as the roof was being inflated.  It was very surreal.  Then the Colts came to town.  I moved away the next month, and didn't return to Indiana for 19 years.  I lived in the Washington DC area in the mid eighties, when the Redskins were really good.  I found that if you went shopping during the Redskins games, all the malls were like ghost towns, even during Christmas season.

Then I moved to Oklahoma.  One year, Oklahoma was playing my alma mater, ISU, as the opening game of the season.  I told my co-worker I was planning on going and he told me it was sold out.  Thinking he must be mistaken, I said, "No, the I-S-U game."  He repeated that it was sold out, but he had an extra ticket.  We sat in the upper deck of the stadium which holds 60,000 people.  A sea of crimson.  I think ISU only brought their team and cheerleaders.  It was like watching Christians being thrown to the lions in the Roman Coliseum.  The crowd was blood thirsty.  You see, this was long after Barry Switzer had been fired.  Oklahoma had been humiliated for years.  Even being beaten by Oklahoma State, at home.  Now they were on the way back.  It ended up 49-0 Oklahoma.  I went to one other game at OU, and left after half time.  I have never seen such awful fans.  Football season in Oklahoma starts about April (the trash talk) and doesn't end until January.  Boys start playing football in first grade.  It's everywhere.  You cannot escape it. 

When I moved back to Indiana, there was talk of building a new stadium for the Colts.  This project was lumped in with a convention center expansion to make it more palatable to voters.  The entire cost: $900 million dollars.  The leaders in Indianapolis soon realized that most of the wealth in the area lies outside of Indianapolis.  So it was suggested that the surrounding "donut" counties should pay a restaurant tax to help with the cost of the project.  There would be a 1% tax and the county gets to keep 1/2 %, and the other 1/2 % goes to the stadium.  It was voted by the county commissioners and not put to a public vote.  Out of the seven surrounding counties, only brave Morgan county voted not to pass the tax.  My county passed the tax.  So now every time I dine in my county or in the others bordering Indy, I'm contributing to the Colts stadium.  I have no problem contributing to the convention center expansion, but I don't see why my taxes should subsidize the Colts stadium.  A place I will never attend.  Boy, does that just chap my ass! 

Which brings us to this weekend.  I did watch the beginning, half-time show, and the final two minutes of the Super Bowl.  I'm glad Indy won....for the fans.  Most of the Colts fans I've encountered seem very genuine and loyal, yet civil.  There was a big parade and rally today in the single digit temperatures.  The team received a warm welcome home.  The Colts are the world champs.  Football season has ended.  Thank God. 

Saturday, I drove by the construction site of the new stadium.  It is gonna be massive.  But if it came down to me deciding whether my tax dollars should be spent to build a new stadium for a professional sports team or run the risk of having them leave town, I'd have to say:

Go Colts

....and take the Pacers with you!!!                  

Valentine's Day

I think Valentine's Day is a dumb holiday.  Kids (and their parents) scramble to make sure that they get a valentine written to each of their classmates.  Later in life, guys spend tons of money on jewelry, flowers, candy, dinner, and lingerie all in the hopes of getting laid.  No work gets done in an office as flowers get delivered, and all the women have to Oooh and Aaah over each bouquet.  It's a good day if you own a card store or you're a florist.  What a scam.

Patty showed me a website which has the same attitude about Valentine's Day that I do.

I had a boss who used to pick a fight with his girlfriend mid-December and then make up with her at the end of February.  All of this to avoid the expenses of Christmas and Valentine's Day.  Sure he had to spend New Year's Eve alone (maybe not), but he liked to brag about all the cash he saved.

Some people may be crying the blues that they are all alone on Valentine's Day.  Not me.  I consider it a perk!  For all you married guys and especially you guys who have a girl who you're trying to impress on a date (poor bastards), repeat after me:  It will all be over with in 24 hours.  That is unless you get her a crappy gift, then you will never hear the end of it.  Never!   

I think I'll go see a movie tonight.  One adult please.

Happy VD to you.   

Debit Card Fraud

Last week I got my bank statement.  I went to balance it and I found a debit card charge for $1080 to Western Union on Jan. 6.  I knew right away it was bogus because I was traveling to Tulsa that day.  There was a Missouri phone number listed along with the charge.  I spoke to an agent at Western Union and he said that someone used my VISA ATM/debit card as a credit card, but they didn't know the 3 digits on the back.  The thief said he was my brother and he was trying to send $900 (with $85 surcharge twice) to East Detroit.  Western Union thought something was fishy so they froze the transaction and didn't send the money.  Good for them.  There's just one problem, Western Union still debited my account for a service they didn't provide.  The agent assured me that it will be reversed and credited back to my account.  I'm more than a little ticked that they didn't feel the need to contact me, my bank, or VISA.  So I've been out the money for over a month, and was none the wiser.  At least I had enough money in the checking account to cover it.

So in the meantime, I filed a complaint to Western Union's customer service, filed a report with the Secret Service in Indiana, the Internet Crime Complaint Center, and my local sheriff's department.  Then I went to my bank where we cut up my old ATM/debit card and sent off for a new one.  Now, with no ATM card, if I need cash I'll have to write a check, which is one of my pet peeves.

The weird thing is that I never used this card as a debit card in public.  I had four bills set up for debit payment: 1) Mom & Pop local internet service provider; 2) NetZero internet service; 3) Local gym monthly payment; and 4) Cheap long distance phone provider in Maine.  In the past few months, I have cancelled the first three and now just have the long distance bill being deducted.  These should be the only four companies with that credit card number.  I'm a little suspicious of #1, because Mom & Pop was bought out by the local utility company recently.  The name, address, and monthly charge data were converted automatically to the new provider.  What other bits of information might have been on those data files?  My debit card number, maybe?  Note: This new utility company has no automatic payment capability.....Again, I have to write a monthly check.

Good times.