A new priest at his first Mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following list on the door:
- Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
- David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”.
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for this is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
- The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grub. Yea, God.”
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.